Atomic Man

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It has been such a long grind, a roller coaster of feelings. When I started all of this, I was sure that putting all my power into healing and creation would soothe the pain of loss I’ve felt so deeply.

There were times when I didn’t just confront my inner demons - I invited them all in, and we sat in my living room in the pitch-black night, having a self-destructive tea party at witching hour.

On other days, I realised that I had finally learned to be with myself for the first time in my life. That I might be enough. That solitude did not have to mean abandonment. That I had actually healed from wounds, very old and recent alike.

And somewhere along the way, I became proud of the person I was becoming.

It is in these overheated summer weeks that I realise losing about 50 kg of body weight, creating more than 50 artworks and poems, working full-time and continuing to grow professionally has not entirely quieted the deep longing in my soul. Maybe it was never supposed to.

I survived. Then I thrived. I built a life inside all that empty space and learned that I could stand in it without disappearing.

And now? I’m so tired.

There is no place to rest my head. No comfort. And strangely, even after learning how to fill so much of the room with myself, there are some spaces that cannot be filled that way.

I know that I have to turn towards music, because it’s the only thing besides love that knows how to soothe my soul. That’s why, for now, there will be no more drawings. Maybe an occasional rework. Who knows.

It seems I’m never running out of will, just as I’m never running out of love.

But right now, I’m running out of strength.